WHAT IS A DOM? Am I one?
Step 1: Understand what a Dom is A Dom is someone who wishes to express dominance over someone’s life. A Top is someone who wishes to play a dominant role during a scene. People can be either or both. But understand that being a Dom is a huge responsibility, and your priorities need to be more noble than getting sexual gratification. It needs to be about helping, bettering, and protecting your Sub. It involves an enduring power exchange dynamic that brings fulfilment to all parties involved.
Step 2: Don’t believe the hype Being a Dom is long, monotonous, frustrating, and fucking hard work. It isn’t being Christian Grey, it isn’t being a performer on Kink.com, it isn’t some teenage boy fantasy. Doms don’t have super powers over subs. Subs have brains and free will, and will tell you to fuck off and eat a dick regularly. No D/s relationship is as perfect and glossy as their Fetlife profile would lead you to believe.
Step 3: Don’t try and Dom the world Identifying as a Dom doesn’t mean that every Sub will suddenly submit to you. In fact, most will only submit to their own D type. If a sub is generous and polite enough to call you Sir, don’t let it fool you into thinking you’re special. Don’t try and Dom the Dommes. At best they will kick you in the balls, at worst they will tell people what a dick you are, and it will ruin your reputation. In small kink communities, reputation and word of mouth rule supreme. Don’t assume that all women are subs at heart, and they just need to meet the right uber man to teach them their place.
Step 4: Don’t lie or exaggerate Don’t claim to have 15 years experience when you’re 25. People can do maths. And the first time you had a naughty dream or touched a booby doesn’t count as the start of your training. If you’re 50, don’t try and bullshit us into believing that you have unlocked the secrets to the universe. Lying about your experience just undermines credibility and trust.
Step 5: Choose your heroes wisely Just like I warned you against bullshitting; others will bullshit too. Don’t believe every claim you hear or read. If you do, you could be learning from some total douche, who has less real world experience than you. The kink work has no shortage of self proclaimed prophets of uber domly dominance who are extremely proficient at talking the talk, but are utterly useless at walking the walk. Before you put someone on a pedestal, and treat every word they say as gospel, make sure your brain is still engaged. Use your common sense and display some discretion. On the flip side. There are some amazing teachers. I have a few amazing people I look to for guidance in roping. I have some incredibly experienced people I get advice from in regards to running BDSM scenes. And I get to be mentored by a man with the deepest understanding of D/s and M/s I have ever met.
Step 6: Be eager to learn Leading a functional D/s relationship is hard and full of pitfalls. It’s better to learn from other people’s mistakes, rather than making them yourself. Likewise, being a safe and competent Top requires a lot of skill and knowledge. Being a Domly Dom doesn’t instantly make you awesome at everything. If you want to do rope, go and learn from those that can. If you want to do medical play, go and learn from those that can. There are countless experienced and knowledgable people who run workshops or regular courses in just about any kink related activity you can think of. Don’t be too proud to go and learn.
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